Closer to my Daughter Thanks to Expert Advice – Hers

Oh, that mother-daughter relationship!

Ask any mom lucky enough to have a daughter, and if she’s honest, she’ll tell you the mother-daughter relationship can be intense. You know what I mean – I don’t need to lay it out for you here. (Frankly, that’s all a bit beyond the scope of this blog.) Suffice it to say, over the 28 years of her life, my daughter and I have had our high highs and our low lows, but it’s rarely boring.

Now that my daughter is a grown-up person who lives across the country, our relationship has its own imposed distance. Even if I wanted to stick my nose into Lindsay’s business, I only have that opportunity when she shares it with me. And while oversharing on certain – ahem – topics is kind of a family joke at this point, she doesn’t typically ask our/my advice on every little thing. Mostly because she knows I like to sleep at night!

So we’d been humming along for a bunch of years in this state of benevolent ignorance. And then a funny thing happened.

We both turned into writers.

Writing critique and parenting don’t always mix well.

Back when I was growing up, before spell-check and typewriters with eraser cartridges were invented, my brothers and I had a secret weapon: a well-read, well-educated Mom as an editor. She was always happy to read over our school papers before we turned them in. If there were occasional tears or hard feelings, I don’t remember them. We kids understood that whatever mistakes Mom caught, Mr. Smith/Snyder/Whitney didn’t.

That wasn’t exactly the experience I had as a parent.

My kids didn’t want that kind of help from me. Despite my best efforts at following the helpful pointers for offering critique, it can be tricky between parents and kids. It was easier to let the teachers handle the constructive feedback. So I kept my nose out of their papers unless specifically asked (which I rarely was).

But that was before my kids became adults and before I found my passion for creative writing.

Writing changed our family dynamic.

Ten years ago, I picked up a new hobby that quickly became all-consuming – writing fiction. Very soon after, my son brought home a fully formed sci-fi novel, which was as far from his chosen major (cognitive psychology) as it was from mine (accounting). His journey, which gave rise to Isotopia Publishing, is laid out in a previous blog post here.

But the real surprise came when my daughter Lindsay started writing a blog.

First off, let me say this – Lindsay is a great writer! She’s brutally honest, introspective, creative, and articulate. Let me also say this – she did a great job of keeping this particular talent hidden during her school years. Reading and writing simply did not interest her.

I wouldn’t say she’s a big reader now, but she does read MY books (yay!) and spends a lot more time educating herself about the nuances of local and global issues. She’s become a seeker and a sharer. What seems to fulfill her most is chronicling her darkest moments and sharing them with her (impressive) following on social media with the sole goal of helping someone else through their depression, struggles with body image, surviving loss, dealing with chronic pain, or navigating this crazy world we live in. Judging by the fan mail she receives on her seesparklylifestyle blog, her instagram and TikTok accounts, Lindsay is definitely achieving that goal.

A new channel of communication opened

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Mark Twain

Somewhere along the line, a very cool thing happened – Lindsay began asking me to review her pieces before sending them out into the world.

At first, it was scary giving honest feedback. A great deal of trust is required on both sides of any successful critical feedback partnership, especially one as potentially fraught as the mother-daughter relationship. But because Lindsay responded to my suggestions with an open heart and an open mind, we quickly found that trust. I was able to venture beyond spelling and punctuation edits to more macro reactions to her writing.

Through her writing, she’s also honing her passion and allowing her insights to guide her way. It’s exciting to watch the growth and self-discovery, and a privilege to play a part in that.

The tables turned when I needed Lindsay’s help.

Having made the decision in August 2020 to self-publish, I needed to create my “author platform.” With some help from a tech-savvy friend and many hours at the keyboard, I created this website, which is a constant work in progress! I set up my Facebook page, my Amazon page, my Goodreads page, my BookBub page – yeah, it’s endless! But there was a gaping hole in my online presence.

There’s a huge reader community on Instagram and TikTok, but trying to figure out how to put myself out there on those platforms terrified me. Luckily, it’s a world my daughter inhabits with ease and great skill. So, I turned to her first for help and advice and technical support. She was excited about being able to give her mom some advice for a change.

A subtle but profound shift started to move between us, and grew with every question I asked, every mistake I made. Our mother-daughter relationship was like a teeter-totter that could rise and fall on both sides.

Social Media for uncool moms

We tackled Instagram first. I’m proud to report that my sad little Instagram account with ten followers and three posts has grown into a full-on portfolio with almost 700 followers!

I’m learning the nuts and bolts of posts, stories, and reels, but I will never match Lindsay’s artistic eye for photography or composition. I mean, look at this, will ya? Lucky for me, she’s always eager to help create content or review something before I post. Did you happen to catch this photo of books one and two we posted for Mother’s Day? She took that gorgeous photo after my efforts left me disappointed.

I was sure my daughter would be horrified when I showed her the first inappropriate message I received on Instagram, but she just laughed at me and explained about the “creepers who slide into your DMs.” [“Duh, Mom. I get those all the time!”] Remember the stuff she doesn’t tell me so I can sleep at night?

Next, we opened the TikTok can of worms. Squirmy worms requiring a delicate touch and a boatload of patience and some knowledge of cool music (which I have never possessed). I try, man, I try. But you should see Lindsay take a day of adventures with Slim (the chocolate lab wonder-grandson) and turn it into a TikTok sensation with the fastest two thumbs I’ve ever seen. Check out this viral post of Slim and the Sea Lion with over 2MM views!

TikTok has been a bigger challenge for us to do together because of the time and patience required. We don’t always finish every project we start. And now that she’s back in Cali, I have to do everything with my own two hands, so … yeah.

But here’s the good news – My TikTok– which started at zero in May – now has over 500 followers, and I haven’t totally embarrassed myself. Yet.

Gratitude

Our mother-daughter relationship has been tested beyond most. Communication and common ground were not always something Lindsay and I shared easily.

Creative expression is something we’ve both discovered a passion for. I’m so grateful that the multifaceted language of storytelling – through words and pictures – has given us a chance to connect in this new and meaningful way. And I’m grateful for the ability to both give and receive meaningful and loving advice at this phase of our lives.

Here’s where you can find and follow our Instagram and TikToks: Lindsay’s Instagram & TikTok | Beth’s Instagram & TikTok

Stop by and drop an encouraging word!

And here’s a picture of Slim Shady – because he’s just too cute!

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